Deconstructing My Fears: Have Faith

Journal Entry: Conquering Fear

            I am a hard worker with a lot of good ideas and a sincere concern for others and the world around me. If I do all in my power to succeed in my business ventures, I feel that the Lord will lead and guide me along, helping me to prosper. I feel a sense of excitement as I think about the future and all the opportunities it holds. The closer I get to graduating, the more my fear diminishes. Becoming educated has given me greater self-esteem and self-confidence. Life experience is great, but it is hard to convince others that you are worth the risk or you know what you are talking about when you don’t have a degree. I think I can be very successful if I employ this success formula. It is very unlikely that my fears will materialize.

            As I look at my fears, I know exactly where they come from: my father owned a business for about twenty years. It was his baby and he loved going to work each day. He was very successful for a few years too. Then his business went under. He tried everything he could think of, but he couldn’t keep it afloat. At that point, he was too young to retire, but too old for anyone to want to hire him. Tens of thousands of dollars in debt, he started selling cars, but they pushed him out after a couple years. My mother, in order to save their home (still with two young girls at home) started doing daycare in her home, which she didn't enjoy. She was able to single-handedly get out of debt and saved the house, but at a great cost. My father never really got over it. Now, my mother has Alzheimer’s disease and my father has Parkinson’s disease, and they live with my brother and his young family. They don’t make enough money to get the care that they really need, but they make too much to get government assistance.

            Another reason this is so scary for me is that I took care of my mother-in-law in our home for seven years while she suffered from Alzheimer’s. When she moved in with us, my children were 15, 13, and 11. It was incredibly difficult and there were times I literally felt like I was going to die from the stress, especially the last year of her life when things got really bad. During that time, two of my children left the church, and I always wonder if it was because I didn’t have time to watch over and continue to nurture and mother them in their teenage years. I never want to be in a position to put my children under that kind of stress or endanger their families.

            If I were to take no action and just continue as we are now, we will surely face the very fears I am worried about. The main reason I have gone back to school is so I can get a job that will provide health benefits, allow me to fix up our house, and build some savings. However, I think I can do much more than that. I believe I can make a difference in my community by working towards and achieving my goals. If I follow the course I am presently on, the likelihood of my fears being realized are minimal. I do not want to end on a negative note, but having said all this, my father tried everything he could and still his business failed, and they almost lost everything. My two younger sisters who were still at home during that time still have a lot of anxieties and other issues manifesting themselves all these years later. So, I also believe that the Lord is in charge and I need to prepare to accept His will with grace and faith that wherever He leads me will be for my growth and learning.